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Do You Have The Courage To Heal?

Flashback with me if you will.
7 years ago to be exact.


And stupid.

I felt stuck and stupid for the 1,095th day in a row.

How did I get here?

How do I get out?

How do I let go?

How do I move on?

And most importantly, how do I make sure that something like this NEVER happens again?

I was at a fork in the road.

Not ready to make a decision, but the “relationship” I was in left me with no choice.

Nothing about “us” was right. Easy. Or love.

I didn’t like how I felt when he was around and just the image of him slithering through my mind made me lose my appetite, my self-esteem, and half my sanity.

And yet I had no desire to leave him. Or the dysfunction I’d become accustomed to.

I felt like a feign. Addicted to crack. Selling her soul for her next fix just so she doesn’t get sick.

How do you ask God to get him out of your system when you’re not ready to let go?

Moving on seemed so permanent. Real. Forever. And I really wanted to, but I didn’t exactly know how to really want to.

Insanity at it’s best.

Have you ever been so broken that you looked in the mirror and didn’t know who you were anymore? It’s like you used to be somebody and now you’re “situation” has turned you into somebody else?

Your passion is gone.

Your motivation is gone.

And nothing, absolutely nothing makes you happy.

I’ve been there. Done that. And wrote twenty-two journals about it (in which I completely intend on burning at the end of this year. No need to remind myself of the good old days:/)

I’ve prayed.

I’ve pleaded.

I’ve given up.

I’ve wondered if I could be fixed.

My perception was blurred.

My heart was cracked.

My mind was foggy.

My soul…broken.

I didn’t trust myself. My decisions. My ability to love. Or let go.

I lost my desire to create. Write. Succeed. Or try.

And I found myself struggling to make it through the day.

Please God, just let me make through the day.

And I did.

I’ve learned that you don’t have to know how to change bad patterns in your life, you just have to be willing to change and the answers will come. The answers always come.

I’ve learned that when you allow toxic, soul sucking people to be a part of your life…you simply don’t love yourself. Because if you really and truly loved yourself, you wouldn’t allow ANYONE to treat you so badly. Love, I then found out, really is the only answer.

I’ve learned that healing doesn’t necessarily take time.

It takes heart, grit and most importantly courage.

The courage to not be bitter.

The courage to forgive.

The courage to love yourself, past the point of reason.

Repeat after me:

The Holy Spirit is flowing through every cell of my body with every breath I take. I have the courage to heal.

Simple. Effective. Done.



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